Sunday, January 1, 2012

4 Years

Dear Julia,

You would have been 4 years old tomorrow. Four years of smiles, holidays, milestones, and birthdays that we never had. Four years in which we have welcomed 2 more wonderful little girls into our family. Four years in which we have had so much joy and so much sorrow.

Your grandpa died this year. My heart now aches for two people. I barely got to know you, so my sorrow with you is with all the experiences I didn't get to have. The sorrow with grandpa dying is that he does not get to see his 2 beautiful granddaughters grow up. Two lives that ended too soon. Feeling sorry for both the ones left living and the ones gone. How many times have I cuddled with Ruby or Isabelle and felt your absence? Hoped that you were looking down on us, but also hoping that you would understand why we could not give you all the love and attention that you deserved? Hoping that you would understand why the focus of our attention has shifted.

The death of my child and my father. You cannot help comparing them. The grief I felt over you- so raw and intense at first and then settling into a dull aching pain. The grief over your grandpa- a relief at first and now settling into the horrible reality of what I lost. The feeling of disbelief. The numerous times I have picked up my phone to dial him to chat before I remembered. My inability to erase his number and name from my phone.

I wear my necklace with three charms on it- one for each of my girls. Isabelle likes to finger them and say, "J for Julia, R for Ruby, and I for me." She know all about her big sister, and loves to look at your pictures and play with your music box. I watch her being such a good big sister to Ruby and think about how you would have been with her. But then again, if you were here then she most likely would not be. The "what if" game is so hard to play...

So on the eve of your birthday, I just want you to know that you are loved. You are missed.

In my dreams I picture that you and grandpa have found each other, and that is what gets me through the tough days.

Happy Birthday Baby Girl.


mue said...

I have just read threw your blogs for the very first time ever. You have always been in my thoughts. Why these things happen to wonderful people I will never know and how we deal with tragedy is still a close mystery. Does it make us stronger?? Not sure, maybe just more aware of the thin line of life?? Thank you for sharing your feelings because they are real. They also make me feel normal for the feelings I have inside. I often think that your dad and mine are playing golf together... XO

Anonymous said...

Camaron & Josh,
We aren't very close, but I have spent some time in the last couple of years getting to know both of you.
I occasionally think about Julia and there is never a time where it doesnt bring tears to my eyes. I spent a lot of tonight reading your old posts and my heart broke.
Even though I dont know you two as well as others, I know that you are two of the strongest people I have met.
I can only imagine the pain and guilt that you must feel, but it is very obvious how hard you have tried to continue your lives as best you could, with never forgetting about the love you lost. You now have 2 other beautiful girls to show for it, who now have a little angel looking out for them.
I am sure that over time, the initial shock of this has gotten better and will continue to get better, but it will always be raw to both of you.
If I ever have to go through any type of tragedy like this, I can only hope that I will be able to hold my head up as you two have done. I envy the way you two have been able to continue on as normal as possible. I dont know if I could get passed something like this, but I see that it is possible. You overcame such a horrible, horrible problem.
Many couples dont make it after losing a child, you not only stuck together, but also never gave up and got the family that you two deserve.
It is clear as day that you two have been there for one another, making sure the memory of Julia will never be lost.
As time goes on, more focus will likely go to Isabelle and Ruby, and that is understandable. They are your baby girls and need all the love that you clearly would have given Julia. Do not put guilt on yourselves for loving your daughters the way Julia wasnt able to see. Julia is loved and will always be loved. There is no question there. Isabelle and Ruby will be able to grow up knowing that they had an angel looking out for them before they even arrived and will always be able to feel her caring for them.

I will be thinking of your family and my heart goes out to you.

Happy birthday Julia <3

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