Struggling

I am having a really bad night. And I feel like I say this more and more lately. I know there is no way this is supposed to go, but 12 weeks after her death I felt I would have a little more of a respite. The pain right now is so intense. I just want to disappear and feel like I am going out of my mind. Everyone else is trying to move on, and I don't begrudge them that. But I just can't. I am angry that I am left behind. I am angry that my pain causes others pain as well. I am angry that I can't pretend to be okay, or better yet, actually be okay. I am angry that I am not allowed to fall apart.

I have good moments, but sitting here on a Saturday night at 11:30, I just don't know how I can do this. My husband keeps telling me we have no choice. He is right, but I just feel done. He wants to help me, and he is getting so frustrated that he can't. I am not a happy person right now, being around me is no fun. He is grieving too, and it has to be so hard for him to take care of me.

My problem can't be fixed right now. My problem is that I want to be a mom, but I have no child. My baby girl is not here, and we are getting to the point where her death is yesterday's news.