I feel like I am behind. Up until Julia's death I was right on track. Career...check. Home...check. Marriage...check. Pregnancy...check. Now I am 31 and everyone is zooming past me. It is a race, and I am losing. I don't know if I can ever catch up.
I have this irrational fear that people think we don't want children. And not only the strangers, but those that know us as well. I fear that people think the reason she is dead is because we didn't want her enough. When we are out grabbing a drink or hanging out with friends I have an overwhelming urge to let people know that this is not my choice of places to be.
But at the same time I don't want life to pass me by. I don't want to be sad all of the time. I don't want my happiness to hinge on having a child...but it does. I feel like there is a glass ceiling on my happiness that can only be broken by the birth of a child. And even then, another barrier will always be there, because we will always be missing our first born.
Life is peaks and valleys and today I am in the valley yearning to climb out. I made it through the day and tomorrow I will do the same.
I live by the motto, "And this too shall pass."
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Memories
If we could have a lifetime wish,
A dream that would come true.
We'd pray and hope with all our hearts,
For yesterday and you.
A thousand words can’t bring you back,
We know because we tried.
Neither will a thousand tears,
We know because we've cried.
You left behind our broken hearts,
And happy memories too.
But we never wanted memories
We only wanted you.
(unknown)
2 comments:
I hope this week has been gentle for you and your husband. I know it's hard. I wish I could help in some way. To some extent, anyway, I understand, and you're not alone.
Julie, Ward's mama
Sometimes I want to tell people "I am actually ahead you...I already had a baby months ago, so really I beat you to it." Of course, they are ahead as their child lives and mine does not. I understand what you say too about trying to find happiness within the life we live now. We have to smile too, but I fear outsiders will think my heart does not ache for Liam. Such a complicated life we lead.
Wishing you a peaceful mothers day and remembering your beautiful Julia with you.
Amy
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