Pictures of newborn babies in everyone's profile picture, updates about being new mommies, and photo albums full of baby and their proud parents.
I ran into an old friend on the subway today. I have not seen her in years, and we began playing catch-up. She was married, she lives in the 70's, she is a doctor...she has a 10 month old. I nodded and smiled, hoping that would be the end of it. Hoping we could talk about something else. But she was a proud mom, as she should be. We boarded the train to her talk of baby toys and I just had to tell her. She was the first person that I have personally told about Julia, and it sucked. Her face just crumpled, and I could see her immediately replaying all the comments she had been saying about her own daughter. I found myself apologizing for telling her. We moved on to other subjects until I got off.
I'd like to say that I told her to save her from feeling guilty later. We are both on facebook and have mutual friends so I knew that she would eventually find out about Julia, and feel horrible (even though she did nothing wrong). But the truth is that I just couldn't handle hearing about her daughter. I couldn't handle the adoring look on her face as she began talking about her. It hurt so much, and the only way to get her to stop was to tell her about my daughter.
I really could not believe that I was standing on a packed train telling someone I had not seen in 6 years about my dead daughter. But sometimes I just need to speak up about her. People don't talk about her anymore. What people like to talk about is how much better I am doing, and how the days are getting easier (which is true!). People like to ask me about getting pregnant again, and our future plans.
An article I read today said,
"But sometimes there are coincidences, chance encounters with people that happen at just the right moment. And I can count at least half a dozen people who are just like that, virtual strangers who have stepped into my life, sometimes only for a moment. They say exactly what we need to hear, or they do exactly what we need to be done at the moment."
I heard from an old friend today who had heard about Julia and wanted to send her regards. She was one of these "earth angels." She asked all the right questions, said all the right things. She was interested in hearing about what happened, she looked at Julia's pictures, she read my blog. Her first email was hesitant, until I explained that I love talking about anything to do with my daughter. I wish people would understand that. I want her to be brought up in casual conversation. I want to hear about how they thought of Julia or me the other day. I might get a little sad, but I bounce back pretty quickly and mentioning my daughter will make my day.
1 comment:
What old friend did you hear from? LOve mom
Post a Comment