Today I Held A Baby

Dear Julia,

Today I went to see Jacob. He was 9 months old and adorable. I thought that being with him was going to be hard, but instead it was a gift. We played with trucks and I bounced him up in the air. He had a curly head of hair which made me think of you.

I remembered the first time I met him, when you were still in my tummy. I have a picture of him on my lap, his feet resting on my pregnant belly. As I watched him roll around on the floor with his cousin, I imagined it was you he was playing with. As his mommy and aunt talked about feedings and pediatricians I got a little jealous. I should know when a baby starts on solid food. I should be worried about the benefits of milk versus water.

But then I let those thoughts go and focused on the beautiful child in front of me. He was not you, but being with him made me think of what you would have been...what you should have been.

It has almost been six months and it's not the infants that make me think of you any longer. Another friend has a daughter about 6 weeks older than you. I look forward to seeing new pictures of her because it gives me an idea of what you would have been like if you were still here.

I was proud of myself today, and thought that you would be too.