Walking

One of my favorite things to do at night is to take a walk on the East River.  On days when I feel like I am going out of my mind, I grab my ipod, put on my sneakers and head for river.  While I walk I always think about the same things-the night of Julia's birth, my life since then, and future pregnancy. 

 I daydream about what it will be like to be pregnant again.  I imagine being at the 20 week sonogram and being told that it is a boy.  That imagining brought me to tears- I want a girl.  I worry that I won't be able to bond with this next baby.  With Julia, I was in love with her from the moment I saw that blue line.  I wonder if it is fair to try and get pregnant while having these thoughts.  I assure myself that I will be a good mom to my future children in spite of my grief. 

I think about the amazing ways that friends and family have reached out to me.  And on bad days I dwell on my frustrations with other people.  On really bad days I create scenarios where people say or do outrageous things.  And then I get to have a target for all of my anger.

My parents just drove up and gave us their old bedroom furniture. Our bedroom looks so great, but I can't help thinking that there is no longer any place for a crib.  I remember the drawers that are filled with baby clothes, and see that there is no room for that either.  I panic- any future baby MUST be sleeping in our room where we can hear him/her breathing.  Where will they go?  Then I close my eyes, take a breath, and wait for my heart to stop racing.  

It's moments like the one above where I ache to get out of the apartment and start walking.  With every step I feel the panic melt away.  I think about Julia, but on these walks my emotions are gentle.  I pass babies with their parents and am almost able to smile.  I come home recharged and ready for what the next day will bring.