And just when I finally feel like things are normal, something happens to remind me that I am not like all the other moms. Yesterday I was walking down Madison Avenue and came upon a photography studio that specialized in children's portraits. I began looking at all the pictures of babies in the window and the first thought that came to me was all the beautiful pictures of dead babies I have seen over the past year. And then I thought of Julia's pictures and how much I cherish them.
It is still hard for me to look at pictures of peoples' healthy newborns on facebook. I still feel a twinge every time I hear about another pregnancy or birth of a child. One of my best friends son is turning one next week and that makes me sad (and happy). Isabelle is here but Julia is not. And all the "normal" stuff we are doing with Isabelle reminds me of what we missed out on with Julia.
We celebrated Isabelle's 6-week birthday yesterday. For Julia's 6-week we spent the day at the hospital going over her autopsy report. For every milestone we pass with Isabelle I can't help but compare it to Julia. It has been awhile since I have reflected on that time immediately after her death. I had thought that the birth of Isabelle would lessen the memory of the pain, but instead it does the opposite.
It's like now I really know what we lost- and I feel so sad for us but especially for Julia. Josh and I are good parents and she will never get to see that. We are amazed at every single thing that Isabelle does, and I want that for Julia. I know that sounds crazy, but even after all this time I still can't believe she is not here.
For Mother's Day Josh made me a card that said, "Happy Mother's Day from both of your beautiful girls." On the inside was a picture of Isabelle and one of Julia. It was the best gift he could have given me.
2 comments:
I totally feel that exact same way. We are so incredibly blessed to have Talia and Isabelle here safely -- and they bring us SO much joy and love. But, it's also bittersweet because with every stage we also question and wonder what Jacob and Julia would have been doing at their ages. I have a feeling that on some level it will always be that way - when they start school, graduate high school, go off to college, get married, have children of their own.... in addition to the little everyday things that we've missed out on too. Talia has brought me more happiness than I ever dreamed possible -- but, I guess it just can't be a "pure" happiness because we'll always be missing Jacob. I think that's how you're also feeling with missing out on these milestones with Julia.
I'd give anything to have all of our children here with us.....
I hope your doing okay, your blog is beautiful and I found it really touching, made me very emotional. Blessings to you and your family
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