Saturday, October 17, 2009

Connections

This week was the first one of the season to feel like winter. And with the cold came the dread of the upcoming months. Last year at this time we were completing our countdown of the first year without Julia. I had thought that it would be easier this time around but it isn't. Last year I was the women whose child had died. This year I am Isabelle's mommy, and while I love that role, it is not enough.

It is hard for me to think that people don't look at me and think of Julia anymore. As I approach her second birthday, I am finding I have this need to do something that keeps me connected to her. I feel like she is slipping farther and farther away and there is no way to bring her back.

I see two-year olds on the street and I am amazed at how they are less baby and more child. Julia would have been talking and walking now, full of her own little personality. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but other people's milestones can just crush me. I hear about friends sending their children to their first day of kindergarten and it makes me cry. I watch a TV show where the mother walks her daughter down the aisle, and I am reminded of the things I will be missing for years to come.

Isabelle is growing out of the last of the clothes that were bought for Julia, and every time I put another one of her outfits into storage I get so sad. It's just one more example of how she is slipping away.


5 comments:

tz1920 said...

Julia's picture is on my desk next to Isabelle's. I sometimes call Isabelle Julia. She is not, nor ever will be forgotten. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Sad about what could have been, but there should be no guilt here.

sari said...

I completely get it.... it almost feels like people expect us to "let go" and "move on" now that we have our subsequent healthy children. But, they don't realize that every happy moment is filled with bittersweetness of also missing Jacob and Julia. That is our life.... the bittersweet juxtaposition of loving BOTH of our children and only have one to raise. Jacob's 3rd birthday this year was actually the most difficult for me of all.... we can talk more anytime. I'm here for you both. Sending hugs and ALWAYS missing Julia with you.

hearing aids said...

nice one i enjoyed this post thanks

Kesha Tickets said...

Amazing .. I will bookmark your blog and take the feeds also... Big thanks for the useful info i found on Comentari de categoria nova.

mjshdiif said...

entric weird? No more contact with people, you be careful even language ability also lost." Don't know why Suzaku two this years suddenly fall flowers this woman to do. You see his spade gently turning Earth movements. Tong Qing Christian Louboutin UKsimply want to faint."No, you are around Gung noise. It is difficult for me to forget that I have a chat with you this function." Only in front of Geng Yuhuai brothers, on

oot, a wedding card from the cast and crew and Meryl Streep also sent the bride and groom two signed pictures with a message of congratulation.In the years before President Bashar al Assad was confronted with the full force of the Arab spring, his regime could rely on the assistance of a few well-educated, poised and elegant females to portray a serene image of Syria to the world.At the start of t

line of sight Hu Xiaoyan, SHEN Han felt dissatisfiedChristian Louboutin Pumps cheap christian louboutin shoes with her own heart to know their feelings are not wrong, it seems that in this family, not only with their own conflict between his father Chen Shiyi, this looks very gentle with sister is also unpleasant, but himself married a few months, this 'rare' came back again, even if there is another big unpleasant, is n

cry, she was running towards us, hand effortlessly over her shoulders of the diagonal of the sports bag." I don't even National Day holiday with the students go out to play for a few days?" Pant for breath she said," I am Christian Louboutin Peep Toe Pumpsinnocent expression consistently, only a few days, how could this happen so many times? Uncle into a vegetative state is it right? Brother? What words do not understand?"She was