Saturday, October 17, 2009


This week was the first one of the season to feel like winter. And with the cold came the dread of the upcoming months. Last year at this time we were completing our countdown of the first year without Julia. I had thought that it would be easier this time around but it isn't. Last year I was the women whose child had died. This year I am Isabelle's mommy, and while I love that role, it is not enough.

It is hard for me to think that people don't look at me and think of Julia anymore. As I approach her second birthday, I am finding I have this need to do something that keeps me connected to her. I feel like she is slipping farther and farther away and there is no way to bring her back.

I see two-year olds on the street and I am amazed at how they are less baby and more child. Julia would have been talking and walking now, full of her own little personality. I thought it would get easier as time went on, but other people's milestones can just crush me. I hear about friends sending their children to their first day of kindergarten and it makes me cry. I watch a TV show where the mother walks her daughter down the aisle, and I am reminded of the things I will be missing for years to come.

Isabelle is growing out of the last of the clothes that were bought for Julia, and every time I put another one of her outfits into storage I get so sad. It's just one more example of how she is slipping away.


tz1920 said...

Julia's picture is on my desk next to Isabelle's. I sometimes call Isabelle Julia. She is not, nor ever will be forgotten. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Sad about what could have been, but there should be no guilt here.

sari said...

I completely get it.... it almost feels like people expect us to "let go" and "move on" now that we have our subsequent healthy children. But, they don't realize that every happy moment is filled with bittersweetness of also missing Jacob and Julia. That is our life.... the bittersweet juxtaposition of loving BOTH of our children and only have one to raise. Jacob's 3rd birthday this year was actually the most difficult for me of all.... we can talk more anytime. I'm here for you both. Sending hugs and ALWAYS missing Julia with you.

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