Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Bathtubs and Giggles
I was giving Isabelle a bath tonight and she started laughing. She had done this before, but this was the first time when it was just her and I. I started to smile and then Julia's face appeared in my mind. She would never giggle for me, and it broke my heart all over again.
I put Isabelle to bed and Josh and I sat down to dinner with some wine. As I was clearing our plates I knocked over my glass of wine-which spilled all over the coffee table and dripped onto the scrapbook of Julia that was on the shelf under the table. It barely did any damage, but I got so upset. That's all I have of her and I couldn't manage to keep it clean and safe.
My mom got me a baby book for Isabelle and I have spent the past few days beginning to put it together. With each page I complete I think about Julia's scrapbook and the months I spent putting it together. Julia's book was one I made myself, but Isabelle's has spaces for all the milestones of her life. It also has a section for me to tell all about my pregnancy, etc... As I was filling in these sections I was mindful of the fact that this book was for my daughter to read someday. Isabelle's pregnancy was so intertwined with Julia's death, but this is not something to share in this book. Isabelle deserves a baby book about her, and this is something I try to be mindful of. While she will grow up knowing all about her big sister, my loss is not her loss.
Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with guilt. I feel guilty for all the love that Isabelle is getting, guilty for being so happy with my beautiful baby girl. I feel guilty for times like tonight. Instead of being so happy about hearing my baby laugh, I am mourning her sister and what should have been. There are so many bittersweet moments, and usually I can roll with the punches- but every once in a while I get knocked out.
The really sad moments are few and far between now, so when they do hit, they hit hard.