Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Bathtubs and Giggles

I was giving Isabelle a bath tonight and she started laughing. She had done this before, but this was the first time when it was just her and I. I started to smile and then Julia's face appeared in my mind. She would never giggle for me, and it broke my heart all over again.

I put Isabelle to bed and Josh and I sat down to dinner with some wine. As I was clearing our plates I knocked over my glass of wine-which spilled all over the coffee table and dripped onto the scrapbook of Julia that was on the shelf under the table. It barely did any damage, but I got so upset. That's all I have of her and I couldn't manage to keep it clean and safe.

My mom got me a baby book for Isabelle and I have spent the past few days beginning to put it together. With each page I complete I think about Julia's scrapbook and the months I spent putting it together. Julia's book was one I made myself, but Isabelle's has spaces for all the milestones of her life. It also has a section for me to tell all about my pregnancy, etc... As I was filling in these sections I was mindful of the fact that this book was for my daughter to read someday. Isabelle's pregnancy was so intertwined with Julia's death, but this is not something to share in this book. Isabelle deserves a baby book about her, and this is something I try to be mindful of. While she will grow up knowing all about her big sister, my loss is not her loss.

Sometimes I just get so overwhelmed with guilt. I feel guilty for all the love that Isabelle is getting, guilty for being so happy with my beautiful baby girl. I feel guilty for times like tonight. Instead of being so happy about hearing my baby laugh, I am mourning her sister and what should have been. There are so many bittersweet moments, and usually I can roll with the punches- but every once in a while I get knocked out.

The really sad moments are few and far between now, so when they do hit, they hit hard.


Daniel said...

I completely understand. Every once in a while things will just hit me like a sucker punch, especially as Talia gets older and starts doing more things I realize what Jacob would have done. This explains why his 3rd birthday was harder than his 2nd.

mjshdiif said...

Shen family, dealing with its own attitude, it may not seem so simple now that, although they are happy and affectionate, indeed show from their hearts out, but there is always somewhere, let sink with felt some different, Christian Louboutin UKbecause the party's at a time with the boss, she could not help but eyebrows were carefully looked at the judge and Xiaoyan's sister. [Sub] [leaf * you * You]Just went up to the

iculties of various European nations.He ran a rebrand-the-Euro contest, with a volume of an intellectual property legal textbook of which he is an editor as the prize.Most of the entries were submitted tongue in cheek. Among them are "the argh," "the folly," "the pigswill," and "the ohno." Others were "the markel," which appears to be a play on the German mark and the name of German Chancellor Ang

re color as Pantone No. 18-1663 TP or "Chinese Red." Christian Louboutin Women PumpsAnd while YSL allegedly has never used this particular color on its outsoles, without a narrow description of what the trademark protects, Louboutin, and more importantly the courts, cannot determine where the line of infringement ends and competition begins. Without a narrow construction, Louboutin would hold a monopoly on shoes with red outsol

d in that last breezy gown. "It's how I perceive Miami."Arts patrons wore artful, elegant and beautiful clothes to peruse the offerings at the Miami Beach Convention Center, expressing their taste and personalities.Natalie Clark,Christian Louboutin Women Peep Toe Pumpsan artist from Jackson Hole, Wyoming, wore a pair of pants made from recycled burlap feed bags, designed by Paris Montana, accessorizing it with a hat from Eugenia Kim an