But I had a good weekend. What made it so good was the fact that I got to see a lot of different friends that I haven't seen in a while, and for the first time I was able to talk about Julia somewhat casually. That may sound kind of strange, but up until now, every time I've seen someone, even a close friend, there is this thing hovering over us. All I think about is Julia, and how Cam and I have been surviving since her death, and it's all I want to talk about. I want to pull her pictures out of my wallet. I know people look to me to set the tone, bring her up. But it's a heavy weight to carry every time. And then when we talk about her, we talk about nothing else, and eventually the conversation moves to other things and then that's it. They have done their duty as friends and asked about my dead daughter. But I don't want to talk about other things.
I went to brunch on Saturday morning with an old friend, and it was nice. It was one of the first conservations I had where we talked about Julia and then other things and I didn't feel uncomfortable bringing her up again. I went out with some colleagues last night and the same thing- I could talk about her without making it this totally separate and heavy conversation. It's like the private, mourning side of me is finally being integrated into my interactions with other people. It's a relief.
1 comment:
Dear Josh,
There have been so many times that I have wanted to talk to you about Julia. After you sent out that email about being open to conversations I thought it would be ok to start a conversation. I think it's interesting what you said in this blog about the "friendly duty" talking about Julia and then moving on to another topic. The one time that I did ask you when we were downstairs after school one day, I honestly wanted to talk to you about her forever. But then I thought, what if at this very moment he doesn't want to think about it? What if he is having a good day and I will ruin it? What if it isn't my place at all since I have only known him for a short period of time? I think when your friends switch to another topic it isn't so much about getting it done and out of the way. I would imagine that in their minds they are asking themselves, how much is appropriate? What is he thinking right now? Should I stop? Should I continue? When we speak I scan every word before it comes out of my mouth because I am so scared to ruin a good day for you, or be inapropriate. Now that my community service club is doing a fund raiser I think about you all the time. The students in the school that know about Julia and those that heard about her jumped at the chance to do something and be a part of this fund raiser for March of Dimes. I guess what I am trying to say is there is so much positive energy that is being directed at you and Cameron. It isn't pity either, its this invisible energy, a prayer for healing that is being directed at you from all that know you. I don't even know if this post is appropriate but I will send it because silence isn't a part of the healing process and although no one can take on the pain that you feel, perhaps we can be a part of your healing.
best,
jane valit
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