Grief

Grief is a mysterious thing.  Before Julia's death I would watch someone grieving on the news or a television show and not think much about it.   And now, just like many things in my life, I see these grieving people with a whole new lens....I just get it.  But what I don't get is the many forms that grief can take.  I think I have gone through them all and then I am hit with an entirely new demon.

Julia is now a part of my life.  I can think about her and not always feel pain.  I can get through a few hours without wanting to cry, and I can function in the world outside my apartment.  I think I have entered a new phase which I will call, for lack of a better term, "Going Through the Motions Grief."  I am able to go to work, workout, and grab a drink with friends.  Josh and I have some carefree moments, and we have started talking about the future.  And I am realizing that I am getting used to this new life of mine. 

 Things are not necessarily getting better, I am just adapting.  And while my ability to roll with the punches allows me to survive, I also feel like I have lost a part of myself.  I want to go back to that time where I worried about buying expensive strollers.  I want to again be that person that everyone was so excited for.  When I cry, I want it to be over nothing at all. Some nights I try so hard to be happy and it always backfires.  I want to go back to a time where my happiness was not wrapped up in my child.