Your Heartbeat

Dear Julia,

I was just thinking back to the first time we met you. Your dad and I went to see Elizabeth for our 10 week appointment. I had been reading all about how you were growing inside of me, so I know there was a chance we would get to hear your heartbeat. I got on the examining table and pulled up my shirt so that Elizabeth could find your heartbeat. You were still pretty tiny, so I didn't have much of a belly. She told me that we might not be able to hear you just yet, that it was too early. I was so scared and said a little prayer to myself as Elizabeth tried to find you inside of me. We heard a lot of static and then a steady rhythm...the beating of your heart! Your dad and I looked at each other and our eyes filled with tears. We were actually going to have a baby!

I wish I could say that I remember hearing your heart beat for the last time. I wish I could say that I remember that last kick you gave me. If I had known that you weren't going to be here very long, I would have paid closer attention. But as soon as I went into labor, all I could think about was that I was finally going to be able to hold my baby girl. As I was lying in bed I remember touching my belly and feeling a little sad that our special time together was almost over. Once you were born I would have to share you with the world.

When I look down at my belly I think of you. Although my arms ache to hold you, I realize that I am very lucky. Your short life was lived inside of me. If I am feeling sad about not getting to hold you after you were born, I just remember that I got you all to myself for nine months.