Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep

I know that many people are a little taken aback at seeing pictures of Julia. Before her death, I would have been as well. I am on an online support website with other mothers who have lost their babies. As our signatures we all have pictures of our babies next to our name. I have a very hard time seeing healthy babies, but I can pore over pictures of these dead children for hours.
Lately I have many moments where I think, "I can't believe this is my life." Realizing that I can only deal with pictures of dead babies...one of those moments.
Two days after Julia died, while I was still in the hospital, I asked to see the pictures of her for the first time. It was late on a Friday night and Josh and I sat on my bed. I got through two pictures and then I just lost it. I had been crying constantly up until this point, but this was different. I read through my medical records and the doctors determined that I was "grieving appropriately." Well, after seeing her pictures for the first time my grief became very inappropriate. I just remember looking at her and realizing she was perfect and she was gone. I started screaming and crying. Josh had his arms around me, but I was all alone.
Once we returned to our apartment the pictures remained hidden from me. I went to Rochester for a week, and when I returned I decided I would try to look at the pictures again. The first few times were hard, and there was a lot of crying. But eventually, they stopped being a thing of sadness and became a gift. Josh and I both agree that they are our most treasured possessions.
On that note, I wanted to share a video clip about the "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" organization. This is a group of people that volunteer their time to take the first and last pictures of a parent's child. This service was not provided at our hospital, and the only reason we have pictures is because of my parents and midwife. The hospital provides you with two grainy polaroids, but they are not nearly adequate. Most parents whose babies die (us included) are not in any state to think about pictures...and you only have a precious few hours to take them. "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" photographers are on call at local hospitals day and night, should they be needed. We were very fortunate that we have pictures and hope to eventually persuade the hospital where Julia was born to provide this service to parents.

Here is the link:
http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/23481435#23481435