We live in New York and Julia is buried in Milwaukee. We have only been to the grave site once and will be going back in two weeks. Lately I am obsessed with bringing her something. All of her baby stuff is at my cousins' house in Long Island, and today I had my cousin bring me a toy we had bought for Julia. When we visit the grave I am going to leave it there. I think the reason I am so fixated on this is that it is something I can do for my baby. I jump at the chance to do anything related to her.
The feelings of guilt are strong this week. I should have done more for her. I keep thinking of her alone in the ground and it is driving me crazy. I feel like I have abandoned her more than ever. And at the same time, I recognize how ridiculous this all sounds.
I want to fast forward through these tough days. I am not asking for happy days, but something better than today.
1 comment:
I'm so sorry you're hurting. I do understand, though, wanting to keep doing things for Julia. I keep wanting to decorate my son's room and buy toys for him that I know he'd love, and he's been in heaven close to three years. I wish it weren't so hard. I wish you could fast forward past these days, too (though it's great that you recognise that these are the bad days - it will get easier.) I hope you have some moments of peace today and feel her close to you.
Julie (Ward's mama)
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