Today was the first day of the year that reminded me of the coming summer months. Most people were in a great mood because of this, but my heart was breaking. Some days it seems like the whole world is happy, and I get so lost. We are moving away from winter, and with each warm day we move farther away from you. When I look at babies on the street, I no longer look for the newborns. Instead, I look for those little ones who can hold their heads up and smile, because that's what you would be doing if you were here. I think back to last April. You were conceived almost a year ago and I can't believe that a year later your life is over.
There was a little girl on the bus today and her chubby cheeks and thick hair made me think of you. I imagined that you would have looked like her in a few years. I keep thinking of the clothes that were bought for you. I have a few outfits that were way too big for a newborn, and I remember not believing that you would ever fit into them. I still remember folding and unfolding all those clothes. I felt you kicking inside of me as I imagined what it would be like to dress you up each day. I spent hours choosing the outfit you would wear home from the hospital.
I was teaching a 4th grade class today and a little boy brought you up. They asked what your name was and wanted to know all about you. One of the boys asked how old you were. I told him you would have been three months old, but then gently reminded him that you were dead. He said, "I know, but she will always be your child." There are times when I feel like your spirit is close, and in this room full of 10 year olds I felt your love. I think I appreciate the kids at school even more now because I know what I am missing.
I still think of you constantly, and everyday I flip open my wallet to your picture and say, "Hi, baby girl." You will never grow up. Your eyes will always remain closed and your chubby face will always be tucked down onto your chest. I will never think back to those days when you were small. You came into this world and left unchanged. You will always be my beautiful baby girl. Missing you tons tonight.
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