Spiritual Musings

     Spring is coming and I think I am feeling hopeful.  I was so scared that leaving winter meant leaving Julia behind, but that doesn't seem to be the case.  I was walking down a quiet street in Harlem on Wednesday morning.  The sun was shining and the first buds were showing themselves on the trees.  I took a deep breath and felt a sense of peace.  I believe in God but don't consider myself a very spiritual person.  I sometimes have trouble relating to the bereaved parents who refer to their little angels in heaven.  I don't know where Julia is, if anywhere.  And that is why things are so hard.  But at this moment, walking down the street in Harlem, I felt her with me.  The sun and the buds and the peacefulness were all wrapped up in her.  I was able to think of my baby girl and smile!

Last night Josh and I went to memorial service being held for parents who lost their babies at Roosevelt, the hospital where I gave birth.  At one point in the service parents were invited to come up and light a candle for their child.  Josh and I have gotten into the habit of lighting a candle for Julia every Sunday, so at first we decided we were not going to light one.  But as others began getting up, we followed suit and lit our candles for Julia.  When we sat back down Josh had tears in his eyes.  He said that he wasn't going to light a candle but then worried that she may be watching and would be wondering why her parents didn't light a candle for her.  All of this from my husband!!  

      So, this week Julia made herself known to both of us.  Whether it is all in our heads or for real is not important.  When she was inside of me she was a kicker and reminded me of her presence (as if I could forget!) all the time.  I hope that we continue to receive happy reminders of our baby girl.