The Should Haves

I am on Spring Break this week and my husband and I are visiting family and friends. There has been a lot of stress leading up to this trip. Pregnant friends and awkward conversation seem to follow us wherever we go these days. But so far things have been relatively smooth. I have not gotten "really" upset so far. But everything is being seen through a new lens.
We have been doing a lot of driving on this trip and everytime we are in the car I look to the backseat and think of what is missing. Since we live in New York City, I don't usually focus on the cars. In Suburbia, my eyes have moved away from the strollers and into the back seats of other peoples cars. If Julia were here, I would be sitting in the backseat with her.
There are a lot of "should haves" going on in my mind right now. My parents are moving from my childhood home at the end of June. Their grandchild should have seen that house. Julia should have been the center of attention at both seders this year. Instead of avoiding our friends who are pregnant and have small children, we should have been more excited than ever to see them. Instead of avoiding our calls and emails, these friends should have been eager to hear from us. Instead of dreading the birth of my close friends' babies, I should have been bringing my daughter over for practice. Instead of distancing ourselves from so many, we should have been closer than ever. Instead of focusing on trying for another baby, we should have been focused on Julia.
I know I am not supposed to focus on what should have beens. But they all build up inside, especially in new situations. I get overwhelmed at most gatherings and I am not really sure why. Josh thinks it is because we don't ever talk about Julia. But I am beginning to realize that talking about her is not always going to make me feel better. There is only so much to say about her, and that is my problem. I want to talk about my daughter Julia who is alive, not the one who is dead and buried in the ground.