Bitterness & Self-Confidence

     I was on vacation this week.  What they say about being able to leave your problems behind rung true some of the time.  I had some moments, but for the most part I was able to function and even enjoy myself.  Even going to Julia's grave gave me some comfort.  We bought a little toy and some pinwheels to leave there, along with a letter written to her by a close friend.  I just don't feel right leaving flowers by her grave.  Just as you would not bring flowers as a gift to a child, nor should they be at her grave.  

     And then I came back to my life.  I have orientation for the School Leadership program I am beginning this summer.  I try to be excited, but the bitterness manages to seep through.  I am not supposed to be going to school this summer.  I am supposed to be moving to another city with my baby girl.  I am supposed to be taking time off from work and school in order to be a good mom.  Figuring out financial aid and signing up for student identification cards reduce me to tears.  Tomorrow I will be meeting my cohort.  What do I say if asked if I have children?  Julia's death defines me right now, and I just can't deny her existence at this point.  What happened to the self-confident person that used to be me?  I am not someone who gets scared about new situations.  I am not someone who worries that what she does will not be good enough.  I want my self confidence back.  

     The other day I thought about all the things I would not be doing if Julia had lived.  And I felt incredibly guilty about being happy that we are staying in New York and that I am going to Columbia.  But then I realized I would move to North Dakota and work at McDonalds if it meant getting her back.  I realized that allowing myself to enjoy parts of this new life of mine does not dishonor her memory.  

But  the "should haves" just kill me sometimes...