Mother's Day

Mother's Day is fast approaching. Commercials and advertisements about gifts for mom are all I seem to see and hear. People mention the day in casual conversation, and my heart drops each time. Are they thinking of me when they say it? Or worse, do they not realize it relates to me because they don't consider me a mom? I know that everyone says, "You are a mother," but I think they are just trying to make me feel better.

People who celebrate Mother's Day are supposed to have children to celebrate it with. This was supposed to be the best Mother's Day ever. A friend of mine who lost her son said that the dread is often worse than the actual event. That was true for my birthday, as the days leading up to it were agony, but the day itself gentle. I am trying to have the same attitude towards this day.

I am beginning to see why the first year is the hardest. All of these milestones that I could never have forseen. The ones that have already past: the first week, month, and three month mark, going over the autopsy report, going back to work, returning to the hospital, and my birthday (the date we counted Julia's pregnancy from). And the ones to come: Mother's Day, Father's Day, the six month mark, the first friend who has a baby after Julia's death, the unveiling of the gravestone...they go on and on. The frustrating thing is that I am not prepared for all of them and don't know what to expect.

The advice from the support group, regarding Mother's Day, is to tell people what I want. That seems stupid to me, because I want my daughter back. I know that Mother's Day cards and flowers should be comforting, but they feel like a consolation prize. Besides, what type of card is appropriate for the mother without a child? And anything we do on that day will just be so sad. If I have breakfast in bed, I will think of how Julia should be lying next to me. If we go out for brunch, we will surrounded by other happy mothers whose children are alive.

May 10th is going to be another day to "get through." I am bitter and angry that I have to "get through" so many of my days.