Yesterday we were on the same floor, but the other side. We entered the genetics wing and were waiting for the receptionist when I happened to look to my left. Through the clear glass doors in front of me was the birthing center in its entirety. It took my breath away and sent me into a panic. Here I was in a place with dozens of pregnant women, counselors telling me all the horrible things that could go wrong, person after person that I had to explain my story to.
We went to have the ultrasound and I held my breath as I always do. I looked at the screen, and the baby wasn't moving-was just sort of floating there. Josh and I couldn't even look at each other. But then the technician turned the sound on and we heard the beautiful sound of a strong heartbeat.
We both left mentally exhausted. It was exciting to get our first good look at the baby. It was exciting to come home with pictures. But through all of this there is sadness as well. Each time I start to get excited about the little one inside of me, I think of Julia and just feel awful. It's not guilt that I feel, but just sadness about what will never be with her. I know it's crazy, but I feel sorry for my little girl who will never get to be with us. I keep picturing her looking at our life and seeing all of this happiness (because we are so happy about being pregnant) that is not directed at her. And I wish I could talk to her and let her know that we would give anything to have her here.
And then I begin thinking about this baby inside of me. If Julia hadn't died, he/she would not be here. I can't even begin to sort out all of the emotions from this situation.
4 comments:
A subsequent pregnancy is SO complex.... There are so many juxtaposed emotions - joy and sadness, excitement and worry, gratitude and loss... And to make everything more complicated, our own thought processes are juxtaposed too: being thankful for this new baby vs. still wanting our first child, being appreciative for being pregnant again vs thinking about how this baby should "have never been" if our firsts had been ok, trying to be hopeful that everything will be ok vs being filled with anxiety and fear at every moment of the day that something could go wrong. It's hard to explain the love that you, of course, still feel for this new child... while also feeling all of these other things too.
Try to be gentle with yourself. Sometimes one day at a time feels like an eternity... just take it one moment at a time.
Sending you a big hug. Call ANYTIME to talk. I know how hard this time is....
I just decided to check your blog and see how you are doing. I am so happy to hear about your pregnancy.
Congratulations on your new pregnancy!!! I'm really happy to hear about it.
Love
Silvia
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