The day before this appointment was our 3rd wedding anniversary. On my way to meet Josh for dinner, I stopped at a maternity store to get some desperately needed clothes. I kept thinking back to how much fun it was to shop for Julia, while this time I just wanted to get in and out. They have a little section of the store devoted to cute baby clothes and stuff, and when I was pregnant with Julia this was my favorite place to browse. This time I just looked away and walked quickly by. I had to force myself to buy the clothes, because part of me was convinced that if I bought these non-refundable clothes, that something bad was going to happen at the appointment the next day.
My appointment was at 2:30, but due to an emergency I had to wait until 3:30. Josh and I talked and texted back and forth during this time-and we both were a nervous wreck. Dr. Brustman came in the room and immediately put the doppler to my stomach to listen to the heartbeat, at the same time assuring me if we couldn't hear it that we would go next door and do an ultrasound. The heartbeat came through loud and clear and I immediately burst into tears. I was relieved, but also just exhausted from hours of "worst case scenario" thoughts. In order to reassure me more she took me next door so that I could see the baby, which I was thankful for.
I know people tell me that thinking like this is not helpful, and I agree. But I also realize that having these thoughts are inevitable. They are not there all the time, and they don't consume me-so I think I am doing okay. I wish people would realize that it does not have to be all or nothing. I can celebrate this new baby and also have my moments of fear and worry.
1 comment:
Those thoughts really are inevitable. A lot of people told me that my worrying was going to rub off onto the baby -- or if I was anxious during my pregnancy that she would be an anxious baby (which I didn't care about -- I just wanted a healthy baby)... but, none of it is true. In this pregnancy, it's hard to explain that you still have all of the hope and love and wishes and dreams that you had with Julia -- and the worry and fear, for me, actually came from those emotions. It's because I loved this baby just as I loved Jacob -- I feared something going wrong a second time. It's only natural to have those worries and thoughts... especailly because they are not all-consuming-- difficult, but not consuming.
I know that people are just trying to be positive and helpful... but, what they don't understand, is that those comments are not helpful at all. They do bring up feelings of guilt... for something that you should not feel guilty about. I wish people would instead VALIDATE that this must be a time of mixed emotions and that they are wishing you the best and hoping that all goes well.
Wouldn't that be nice if everyone could be mind readers and know the "right" thing to say?
Hugs!
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