I keep going back to the non-stress test we had on Julia at 35 weeks. I had convinced myself she wasn't moving and they had me come in just to be safe. As soon as I got to the hospital she started moving again. Her heartbeat was fine, and they did a sonogram which looked great. At the time it was such a relief- but now I can't help but wish something had gone wrong and she had been delivered. If her amniotic fluid had been just a little low, or her heartbeat was not as strong as it should have been, they could have gotten her out before the cord accident.
We go to the doctor every two weeks now, and every time I negotiate my delivery date. It has been agreed that I can deliver at 37 weeks, as long as I am willing to have an amnio. This was a relief-but I'd go earlier if they let me.
It is such a horrible feeling to be convinced that your body is not the safest place for your growing baby to be- but this is how I feel everyday. Julia would have been fine if she had left my body sooner, and that is something that is always on my mind.
3 comments:
I know exactly what you mean. Jacob was born still at 37 weeks... Talia was born "prematurely" at 35 weeks and came home with us perfectly healthy. Of course, I feel so blessed with the fact that everything is ok with Talia... but, why couldn't the same have happened with Jacob? Why couldn't I have gone into premature labor with him and had him here safely too? I go through that in my mind all the time....
It really is a scary thing to question your own body when it is the one caring for this new child growing inside of you. We feel powerless and helpless even though WE are the ones who are pregnant. Just take it day by day...
camaron, this post feels like exactly what I wrote about today, with regards to my ultrasound with Isla at 36 weeks... if only something had gone badly enough to warrant delivery, and saved her from her cord. :( It's horrible to 'what if' the days away... and it's terrifying now, to be pregnant, and wondering where the stupid cord is. When I get to 28 weeks, I'll be all over that "if the baby was born now..." stuff..
Keeping you guys in my thoughts. (((Camaron)))
Steph
This is exactly why I found our support group really helpful. It's nice to know that other people have the same thoughts, feelings, and emotions. Either none of us are crazy or we are all crazy, but at least the feelings are very common among us.
Post a Comment