Saturday, January 2, 2010

2 Years

Yesterday, the first day of the new year, Isabelle and I went for a walk in the early evening. She quickly fell asleep and I was left with just my thoughts. The worst part of this day is the time leading up to her death. On January 1st, 2008, at 4:45, I was just having my first contractions and everything was still all right.

The hardest part of this anniversary was not remembering her death. It was not thinking about the beautiful little girl she would be today- I think about that every day. It was remembering the time before everything went wrong. It was remembering the way I felt before she died.

A close friend of ours videotaped Josh and I when I was 9 months pregnant with Julia. Up until yesterday, we had never watched that footage. Last night, we put Isabelle to bed and curled up on the couch to watch. There were bittersweet moments, but it turned out to be the perfect way to end the evening. The video was over an hour long, and Josh and I just watched in awe.

It made me happy to recognize the two people in that video- because right after Julia's death I didn't know whether I would ever be "me" again. I remember sitting on the couch a few days after she died, staring at the screen saver on our computer. It was a picture of Josh and I, smiling at our 30th birthday party. I made someone turn it off, because it hurt too much to look at myself being happy.

It's now two years later and I feel like myself again. Part of this is due to time, and part of it is because of Isabelle. Josh looked at me tonight and said, "I have to admit that this is easier now that we have a baby." Maybe we should feel guilty for thinking like this, but we can't help the way we feel.

Even though it is only the second anniversary of her death, I feel like Josh and I have already established what this day will be like. We spend it as a family, and while we appreciate the phone calls and emails, we do not answer the phone. It is a day for us, and somehow it doesn't seem right to let anyone else in...we can do that tomorrow.

In my walk last night I stopped by the drugstore and bought a birthday card and a candle in the shape of the number two. Tonight Josh stopped at the bakery and bought a tiny cake that simply says, "Julia." We will light the candle and celebrate her birthday in our own way.

51 comments:

tz1920 said...

I am glad you are you again. And never feel guilty about being happy about Isabelle. That's what Isabelle is all about - making people happy!

Daniel said...

The part about the candle and cake was very beautiful. I enjoy hearing stories like that. I remember for on of Jacob's birthdays I went to Target and bought clothes that I would have bought if he were here and then donated them so another little boy could have them.

Daniel said...

I can't spell...that should be "one"

glasshalffull said...

Hey there- not sure if you will see this but got your message and I *tried* to Google stalk you but couldn't find you. Looking forward to next Tuesday.

Anonymous said...

This is beautiful. Never forget her and love her always as you are. There are no words for parents who lose a child. Thank you for sharing this to the world.

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SilverMapleLeafs said...

Aww! How cute! you have such a cute baby! congrats :)

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