Lamaze Class

Today I saw one of my closest friends and her 3 month year old baby boy for the first time since his birth.  It was great to see her and reconnect, and I even held him and actually enjoyed it.  

We decided to take a walk in the park, and at one point were sitting on some benches with me holding her son.  A couple with a baby in a stroller approached us and the man said, "I thought you looked familiar, we were in lamaze class together.  Congratulations!"  As he said this he motioned towards the baby I was holding and I realized that he thought this was my baby.  I was sort of in shock and mumbled, "Thanks."  But then he started to ask me another question and I just  couldn't pretend this baby was mine any longer.  I told them what happened to my daughter and I watched their faces drop.  They said their condolences and walked away.

As soon as they left I burst into tears and handed the baby back to his mom.  I cried for a few minutes, but bounced back pretty quickly.  By the time I was walking home and telling Josh the story over the phone, I was actually able to almost laugh at the outrageousness of what happened.

 

 Ever since Julia died I have had nightmares about running into someone from lamaze class.   As we sat down next to this couple I remember thinking that the mom looked familiar.  But then I looked at their baby and figured the baby was too old.  After the fact, I remembered that their baby was around 9-10 months old...not so little anymore.  That was sort of a slap in the face.   Julia will always look like a newborn to me, and I forget that she would be getting so big if she was alive.  

Today was one of the first times in a while where I had a "should have been" moment.  That should have been me walking my baby in the park.  Earlier in our walk we bumped into another new mom that we knew from a book club we were all in.  The two of them briefly talked about "mom stuff" and I had to just tune it out.  As we walked away from the other new mom I got a little teary, but I was okay.  

And now I am sitting at home as Josh makes cookies and thinking about the first day of school tomorrow.  I am excited to start a new year, and while the sadness is still there-so is the tentative happiness of my life.