I thought it was going to be really hard, but it wasn't. I had so much time to prepare for it, so we actually got to enjoy it. I spent a long time looking at a little dress and cardigan we had bought for her. We looked in the car seat that we brought to the hospital that still held the clothes of hers that we had hurriedly stuffed in there. I opened the drawers and fingered her tiny socks, and unfolded and folded the tiny onesies.
Looking at all the clothes for Julia reminded me of our second child. I want a girl so badly. Of course I will be happy with whatever this child happens to be, but it is going to be an adjustment. I have this fear that this was our one shot to have a girl. The practical side of me thinks about all the "stuff" we bought for Julia, and how so much of it will be useless if we have a boy.
I am just starting to show, and I constantly practice what I will say when I get the inevitable, "Is this your first baby?" My lines are always well-rehearsed, but I have learned that in the heat of the moment I become a bumbling idiot. I know there might be a time when I will be forced to say "yes, it is my first" and then silently whisper an apology to my first born.
I don't really like talking about this pregnancy, and the above is one of the reasons. There seems to be a new social complication around every corner. It is only when Josh and I are alone that we can just "be" and celebrate this baby... and I kind of like it this way.
4 comments:
I am glad you are celebrating this baby and I too want a girl but was afraid to say so. But at the moment of birth, it doesn't matter. Really. I also am struggling with what to say when people ask is this your first grandchild. I haven't yet come up with a response that I'm comfortable with. Maybe someone can help us. Love momxoxo
camaron, so much of what you say is echoed in my own mind. I too feel we lost our one shot at a girl, and am sad that all the girl stuff we bought may not ever get used. I want to find out the sex at 18 weeks so I can 'mourn' the loss of another (possible) daughter before welcoming my son to the world. I don't want to be surprised at birth, because if I'm to be totally honest, I will feel a pang of disappointment. Sad, but true. I will of course be thrilled with a living breathing boy, but if its' a girl,I will feel like I've been given a second chance to mother a baby girl. Totally get that. I hate the "is it your first" questions too.. the guilt, the anxiety of lying.. ugh.. all of it.. Right there with you. :)
Oh Cam, I GET IT, I've been there too many times to count. And, you are right-- no matter how many times you've rehearsed your response to those awful questions, it catches you off guard and you end up saying whatever you are feeling in that moment. Most of the time, I do acknowledge Jacob and the fact that we did have a son before Talia who passed away. Sometimes, I'll just say that she's my second (and leave it at that -- I'm actaully ok with strangers assuming that I have 2 living children. I would actually prefer that than not acknowlegding Jacob). But, I have had some instances where I just didn't have the emotional energy to console the other person after telling the truth and I did say that she was my first. I know that guilt and the pain that goes along with that response. And, each time, I did whisper an "I'm so sorry" to Jacob. Those tended to be more in the beginning. And, then I started realizing that it's so much harder for me to live with the guilt of not recognizing the fact that I have two children, and that's when I started simplifying my answer to be more vague. Sometimes it'll be left at that, and sometimes they'll ask more questions (is your first a girl or a boy, how many years apart are they, etc....) And, that's when I'll tell them about Jacob and that he was stillborn.
It was hard to celebrate our pregnancy with Talia with others too... because you want them to be aware and sensitive to the fact that there are all of those mixed emotions. And, I felt that if I allowed myself to show too much excitement that people would assume that everything's ok and that we're not worried anymore. Maybe that's silly and I wasn't giving them enough credit.... but, that's just how it was.
We can definitely talk more soon. I'm thinking about you constantly.... Sending big hugs.
Camaron, it's amazing to read what you guys are going through and I don't know if it helps any but we (and everyone we know in the same situation) went through the same thing. For whatever reason I associate the grocery store with this. It seems to happen everytime we go there. I would pretty much echo Sari's comments but I have become much more comfortable as time goes along to say Talia is our 2nd, even to strangers. But try not to beat yourself up about it, we've all said the 2nd is the 1st. You're only human.
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